One week down. Countless painfully awesome weeks and years to go.

I made it through my first week of steno writing! I know it seems trivial, but I am ready to throw a party for myself. The first week went something like this. Say you are walking down a forest path and see a cute squirrel. You go up to it and try to feed it some nuts lying on the ground. Suddenly this adorable creature bites off your hands, ties you up to a tree, and then feeds you leaves encrusted with mud and animal crap. Then you are left there for a couple days, starving and in great pain, all the while thinking, what the hell just happened to me?!! Luckily some teenagers find you and the doctors are able to reattach your hands. Then you forget it ever happened, except on rare occasions when you want to laugh at yourself. Or, perhaps when you run into another vicious, human flesh-eating squirrel.

Well, it wasn’t THAT bad, but I can definitely see some similarities. And it’s only going to get worse. But at least I learned the whole alphabet and the letter combinations! BABY STEPS! :)

I am now trying to restructure my thinking and make steno part of everything I do. Toni told me that it really takes over your life… you begin to read traffic signs in steno, dream in steno, translate into steno the boring conversations you have with others in your head while they continually drone on… yes, this is something I’m looking forward to. I was taking a nap over at Evan & Toni’s the other afternoon and woke up suddenly to realize I was actually thinking in steno in my dream. I got SO excited and then she laughed at me. I’m really liking it, but it’s very difficult and frustrating because for the first while you are so-so-so-so slooooow... but it gets better; or so I’m told.

One of the best parts is observing the wide array of people who go into court reporting. They do it for many reasons, foremost *awesome money*… but many of us seem to think in similar ways. How did one person put it… “anal retentive freaks.” So I have met people who are as crazy and obsessive as myself. This is also good.

Outside of school, my time in Arizona is becoming more enjoyable with each day that goes by. I am getting lost less and less and finding more things to do with my time. My cousins Kati and Candice work at this insanely fabulous gym and bring me with them on their guest pass a few times a week. I am seriously in shock at all these crazy rich people with their personal trainers, in house restaurant, salon and day spa, and the list goes on and on. Makes me wonder what kind of rich person I’d be if I were ever rich. I probably won’t ever be super rich so I think I’ll stop wondering about that.

But yeah, life is not awful all the time, even though sometimes it feels that way. I just have to start looking at the positives that do come my way. Like that I didn’t have another tire pop on me this week, or that I didn’t get lost in the middle of ghetto phoenix late at night again, or that I finally learned the art of merging on a busy freeway. What a great concept. But seriously, I feel very lucky that I have incredibly awesome family out here who are doing everything they can to help me find my way, feed me, and make me feel important when I really am a loser. I love being around Evan & Toni and my cousins because they are loud, open, hilarious, loving and fun. We have Sunday dinner every week and it’s a free-for-all of crazy stories and embarrassing moments. I seriously love it. I’m still lonely and stressed, but it’s becoming more and more manageable everyday. Well it’s late and I am still sore from these crazy exercises Candice made me do today, so yeah, I’m checking out and going to bed early. Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and I hope everyone is having an excellent week. I can’t WAIT to hear some good news from Utah in the next few days. Misty’s baby is due tomorrow! I have the worst concentration these days because that’s all I can think about. Hopefully next time I write I will be able to post a picture of my new neice OR nephew!

And if you care, don't let them know...

I know it’s too early for another song of the week, but who cares. It’s my blog and I’ll do what I want. I wanted to post this song initially but I guess I wanted to wait until I had written at least a few posts. If I had to choose only one song to listen to for the rest of my life, this would be the one, no questions asked. I chose to post the orchestrated version of this song that Joni recorded in 2000 because I love the age and maturity apparent in her voice. To me, that’s what this song is all about. My love affair with Joni began at a very young age when I discovered Blue in my dad’s CD collection one Saturday. I was stunned by the beauty and grace of her voice, and the depth of her poetic consciousness. At many times in my life I have looked to her music for comfort when I’m feeling melancholy and blue, for inspiration when I’m feeling stuck in a rut, and for a connection to someone who seems to see the world, at least in some small way, like I do.

My emotions have been out of whack since I moved… I haven’t really known what to think about all the life changes and new surroundings I have found myself in. Mostly I just drive around looking for nothing in particular, wasting time, wondering what to do with myself. I’ve just been trying to block out any sadness and loneliness. A few days ago I got a call in the middle of the night from Brandon in the ER. They finally found what’s been wrong… he has tumors on both of his kidneys and it’s not looking very good. I had to go to my first class a few hours after this and I’ve been in a haze pretty much ever since. I feel exhausted and lonely and helpless. And my sister called yesterday and said she has preeclampsia and isn’t feeling well… the baby is ready to come any day now. I laid down for a nap and slept through the afternoon. When I woke up I felt so confused and just burst into tears. I’m here in this big city I don’t recognize, getting lost and nearly killed everyday on the packed freeways, trying to learn steno language (which is so complex and foreign), and I just want to be with the ones I love when they need me. But I can’t.

That’s why I love this song. Clouds are beautiful formations, the objects of our childhood imaginations… the pillows in the sky that warm rays of sun peek out of on lazy summer days. The blankets that tuck the moon to sleep every night. Then the winter comes… and the snow and rain fall from the clouds and make us forget the easier days of wearing whatever we pleased, falling asleep on the tramp out back, floating in the pool across the street, eating popsicles. All those things that make life a pleasant dream.

Then when the storms come we put up our defenses… “And if you care, don’t let them know… don’t give yourself away.” I don’t like to give in and admit that I’m hurting to most people. Vulnerability can be a painful feeling that strips us of our pride and the walls we put between ourselves and others. It is usually not a choice, however. Vulnerability is what we’re forced into when we lose the ability to protect our emotions. I really am feeling things I haven’t ever felt before… things, I guess, that come with age and new experiences. I am overwhelmed and trying to process all of it, but coming up short. What I thought I knew about life, I don’t.

“I really don’t know life at all…”

Song of the Week: "Both Sides, Now"

Both Sides, Now
Joni Mitchell, Clouds, 1969

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun,
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels,
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Song of the Week - "Upside Down"

You might think I’m a little childish for my song choice this week, but I don’t care :) Jack Johnson and Ben Harper collaborated on the Curious George soundtrack and did some fun songs. This one really just tugs at my heart because I look at it from the perspective of a child who is learning, growing, and figuring out the peculiarities of this world. Something they don’t understand yet is permanence… you could just be walking out of the room, but for all they know you may never be coming back. I remember seeing that when Gavin (my 1-year-old nephew) was born. He was devastated when Misty would leave to take a shower or when I’d watch him on Saturdays while she was at work. I thought it was really sweet… he just didn’t want to let her go… she was the steady force in his life, the one who’d rock him to sleep and play with him when he woke up.

I guess all of us are still in that stage of life in varying degrees. When someone walks out our door, we never know if it’ll be the last time. The last time we’ll see them alive, the last time we see them before things change, the last time we’ll see them before our lives go in different directions. Who knows, really. And if it’s just time that has separated us, when we return to that place, somehow things are never the same as they were in that moment we have stored in our memory.

I love being in a moment with another person, a song, a sunset, even solitude— and just taking a step back and realizing how wonderful it is. And that I just don’t want it to go away. Of course these moments are sometimes few and far between, but that’s what makes them so beautiful and worth remembering. And it’s usually not till later that you realize how important those moments were.

I remember thinking about this the day Misty moved away to Delta, the horse trailer all packed up with their things, Gavin in the car seat, and just waving goodbye from the little stone path that led to their apartment. I knew I was saying goodbye to the comfortable ritual we had developed since he was born. I’d come over during my breaks at work and we’d get lunch at Sensuous Sandwich and just talk about the latest drama with Britney Spears, gossip about the family goings-on, watch Gavin crawling around and smiling, and life was so good. I just didn’t want those times to go away. Things are obviously different now… we both have new things happening and live so far from each other, but I sometimes find myself thinking about that time we shared and I’m just grateful we had it. I feel that way about a lot of other moments I’ve had with special people… like drinking coffee with Grandma & Aunt Denise every morning before I moved away, dance parties with my girlfriends Tina, Syl & Jill, making dinner and watching the Office with my brothers and sisters, cuddling up to Grandma and just talking, all of this and so much more. Out here I am alone and missing a lot of those things, and sometimes thinking “Is this how it’s supposed to be?” I know this is what change feels like, it’s just hard. I think it’s a process… learning to bring aspects from your old life and then build upon them in your new surroundings.

“This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same”

I wish all of you a good week. Notice something beautiful and write it down, save it for another day when you’ll need it. I start my steno classes on Tuesday… I’m very excited to finally get into a routine, start working, and cure the boredom a little bit. Updates will come soon!

I wish we could open our eyes...... to see in all directions at the same time......

Since this seems to be the trend, I'm titling my blog with some song lyrics that I'm listening to at the moment.. just a little Death Cab for Cutie on a lonely night :)

During the moving process I found a lot of old gems that I’ve collected over the years… old letters, pictures and random memories. My Aunt Denise is the best at giving people exactly what it is that they need at the times they need it the most. She wrote this quote on a note paper and left it in my bedroom a few years ago and I loved it then, but I love it even more now. She has shared a lot of wisdom with me over the years and I am really appreciating it now as I am trying to figure myself out a little more, trying to pave my own way. Change is a continuous process that keeps things moving, keeps things fresh… keeps you questioning yourself and your own motives and decisions. People come and go, they bring new things to your life and teach you things about yourself that you never knew before. But each new person or experience is just preparing you for what’s next… and you never know what it is until you finally arrive. Just be grateful for the ones who carried you along the way…

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.” – Rumi

Be still my heart... this could be a brand new start...

I'm listening to the song Be Still my Heart by the Postal Service right now. Check it out. It's great. Anyway I am just hanging out at Coffee Rush and using the internet. They have a new latte flavor – black cherry. So good.

So, Arizona. I am lonely. Just gonna throw that out there. I like to think I’m bad ass but I’m slowly learning I’m not. I miss people more than I thought I would and life on my own is harder than I expected. But I’m dealing. It is weird because I’m not “Valpal” here. Nobody knows who I am or what I’m like, and I just wonder what people think of me when they see me. Who knows? So far I have driven all over and seen nothing. Well a few things. But things are pretty much the same wherever you go. WalMart, FYE, Target, Geico, Arby’s, etc. etc. etc. But, I am liking the orange & palm trees, warm rain, and just the general laid back feel of this place. Things are going to be good, it will just take a while to get there. In weird news, my hair is falling out. Not quite sure why but I hope it stops.

I knew I wasn’t in Provo anymore when I took the trash out the other day. My roommate is gone for a couple weeks touring with her band, so I was cleaning out the cat litter for her. I threw the bag in the dumpster and woke someone up. Ooops. Utah likes to hide the homeless people away in one little corner. There are a lot of homeless and down on their luck people here and it feels different to be aware of it and know that everyone is one step away from losing everything at any given time. It’s just a collision of chance and circumstance.

Last night I watched the most beautiful film. Once. Please, everyone, rent it and enjoy the incredible music, scenery, and dialogue. I want the soundtrack so badly now, I’m just not going to eat for a couple days so I can buy it, lol. The film is about two people stuck in really shitty circumstances, but yearning for the chance to make something beautiful out of it, and succeeding. Truth, beauty and love can come from the darkest and loneliest of places and at times when we least expect it. And music really is the greatest gift that you can give another person. It is my way of understanding and making sense of this life.

So… I am really wishing that I could be in Utah right now (just for a week or two). My classes may have been delayed and I might not start school till the 25^th. I haven’t heard why yet, but if that is the case I am in for a lonely couple of weeks. I am wanting to be with my sister Misty. Last pregnancy I spent every day with her until little Gavin arrived. Now I am wishing I had that same luxury. With all my heart I hope things go well and that she has an easy delivery, because things will be hard enough with 2 little stinkers. I miss Gavin, he has such a cute personality and I am looking forward to watching it develop over the years. I hope he gets to come visit Aunt Val this summer.

Well, I’m gonna go back to the apt and see what’s going on tonight. Much love to everyone who reads this. Life is good, don’t forget to smile – it may make someone’s day.

Song of the Week

Another reason I have for making this blog is the feature "Song of the Week." I love music, I love the beauty and understanding that it brings to my life, so I want to share that with the people I care about. So every week I want to share a song, along with its lyrics, and why it is meaningful to me... or how it relates to my life at that particular moment. Most people tend to make fun of my music taste, but that's just because they haven't given it a chance. I am hoping that at least one person will enjoy some of the music and let it be part of their life, too.

I seem to get fixated on certain songs and just play them over and over again, let them sink in and enter my consciousness, to the point that I can sort of piece together my scattered thoughts. Lately I have been thinking about money... possessions... status... comfort... the value of "things" versus "feelings"... what kind of value you can put on a person's labor... the cost of "living"... the reasons why some have and some don't... the cost of "getting ahead"... who (and what) we leave behind when we move up...

I decided in July that I was going to move to Arizona to go back to school, but I thought it would be better to stay and work the fall semster @uvsc in order to save money for moving away and buying a new car. It turned out to be a very good thing... I worked a lot of hours and because of my pay raise over the summer I made a lot of money. Now I look at my life and it seems that everything is different than it was 6 months ago. I have a new car, laptop, camera, bed, furniture, phone, makeup, clothes.... etc.

Now I look at these "things" and wonder what they all mean. I used to be very comfortable with my old things... my beat up red sentra that I had put dents into from every possible angle, my old phone that would beep after about an hour because the battery was dying and would drive everyone crazy, my old laptop... just things that I thought made ME me. Who knows, maybe they did. In a way, I really miss the old stuff. I just look at everything I own now and there are no scratches or deformities. But, knowing my record, that will change VERY soon... haha.

But there is a certain comfort in the "known." Right now, my life consists of many unknowns. I'm gonna start filling in the blanks, but I'm at a point where I have to come up with new ways to define myself. When I heard this song by Amos Lee, these words really made sense to me.

But sometimes
We forget what we got,
Who we are,
Or who we are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose.
Keep it tight.

I think we often get the material to define ourselves from the judgments that others place upon us. Amidst all these conflicting messages, we forget who we are, the things we know we aren't, and try to seek out acceptance by living FOR others, instead of following the path that comes naturally to us, and let the kinks work themselves out over time. We do this to others too... we shortchange them. We pigeonhole them. I know I do it to myself, to my friends, even my family. I want to become a person who lets others "come as they are" and then hopefully they will let me do the same. Here's to "keeping it loose... keeping it tight."

2008: A New Year, a New Blog

I have been working on making this blog for a while... for some reason I have been technically challenged. I want it to look good, and I'm struggling in that department. Anyway, I've been interested in making some of my writing public because I think it will help me as I'm developing my own style, and also give others a chance to see a little of what's going on inside my head. It's not always coherent or exciting, but it will prove to be at least a little interesting or humorous, I'm sure. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and comment on my thoughts and feelings.

I want to share some of my experiences out in Arizona, and think about where I've come from and where I'm gonna go from here. Life is a delight... sometimes sad, sometimes unknown, but always there and reminding you that you've got to figure it out. As you will likely see in my writing, I tend to be a cynic about 90% of the time, but I do have those moments where, in my youthful innocence, I feel at peace with the world. While Christmas shopping I ran into this little wood block above, HOPE. When I saw it I knew I had to put it next to my bed to remind myself that it is the one thing we need in this life to keep moving ahead. I have hope that with each passing day I will be a little kinder to those I meet. And that more people will care about making life better for those living in poverty and grief. And that we will wake up and feel the earth's beauty and our responsibility to make it a good place to be.